Pinterest

Check out Kupura on Pinterest!

I have now started a Pinterest board and I couldn't be much more excited! After the first 30 minutes it feels like pinning visual things is one of the most relaxing things to do when the kids are finally in bed for the night. What cool things I've found already... Hope you get inspired a bit too!

Young Criminal Minds

I also came across another thought-provoking article in The New York Times. In "Can You Call a 9-Year-Old a Psychopath?", the writer looks into families with a severe problem, a child who seems cold, unpredictable, manipulative, mean, and even violent. Basically "off the walls." Through a follow-up with such a child and family, the writer asks how early children behaving so "wrongly" can be diagnosed with something resembling psychopathy, if not with that stigmatizing word itself. In studies of psychopathic adults, many have been reported as having been extremely antisocial as children. So logically one would assume that spotting such kids early on, and helping them, would prevent their harmful misdoings later on. Although current studies show that c. 1% of any given population is psychopathic/sociopathic, more than 25% of crime is done by individuals with such a psychological profile. But do counseling camps for callous-unemotional kids help, or do they actually give the kids new bad ideas even if providing useful data for psychotherapy research? The case of "Michael" makes one wonder. This is a highly interesting article for anyone to read but especially for parents. Although it's good to keep a check on our kids and their habits by making sure they don't show any symptoms of bullying, I'm going to go to bed tonight feeling grateful for my peacefully sleeping boys. Toddlers can be quite a handful, already showing little flashes of what may come when the teenage years arrive, but usually temper tantrums come and go, are only phases that to some extent need to be experienced, and can be forgiven and forgotten at the end of the day with lots of hugs and kisses. And this article, ultimately, confirms that there is no harm of attachment, nurture, and care for even the most difficult of cases. Xo.

Eriksen's Site

When I started this blog I mentioned one online discussion I'm going to look into is the recent commentary on ethnicity in Norway by renowned Norwegian anthropologist Thomas Hylland Eriksen. Since I met with my Norwegian friend earlier this week and talked a bit about the ongoing trial in Oslo I thought I should at least write something about this topic this week. I read Eriksen's summary of all the articles he's written about Breivik's attacks in the past year. And then I read an article called "A Blogosphere of Bigots," written together with Jostein Gaarder and published in The New York Times. Since Eriksen is a well-known researcher of ethnicity, nationalism, and cultural diversity he was in a position to provide educated analysis of the Utoya killings from day one. Labelled "cultural marxist," "spineless multiculturalist," and "nihilistic cultural relativist" by rightwing extremists and Islamophobic nationalists, he himself has been the target of "unpleasant attacks" for several years. In short, he warns that the power of loosely-bound and internet-connected anti-Islamists are a worse threat to Norwegian society than Islamic extremists since focus has been on tracking the latter while not taking the former seriously enough. He points out that it is a challenge to even track who these blogging bigots are and what they have in mind. Today social media plays many roles.

Gay Dads

I recently read a review of the Ruth Benedict Prize winning "Gay Fatherhood: Narratives of Family and Citizenship in America" (Lewin 2009). I have no experience with this issue at all in that I don't believe I know a single gay dad (single or not). Hence an interesting topic to look into. According to the review, this ethnography looks at the way kinship and affinity are defined when two contradictory-seeming identities meet, being gay as well as fathers. In the States, the political Right is no supporter of gay parenting but, at the same time, the Left voices opinions that gay dads fall into the heteronormative ideal and assimilate. Can men who become dads still be queer, according to the subcultural definition? Lewis explores "how genetic information can be interpreted in creating a family" and legibility among the general public validate the forming of this family unit. Interestingly, while some fathers feel less gay since fatherhood leads them into normative adulthood, other fathers feel more gay since having a child brings forth questions of lifestyle choices, parenting beliefs, and genetic as well as social inheritance.

http://thewillsadopt.wordpress.com/2012/01/16/interesting-article-on-yahoo-today/saferedirect-11/

When to Intervene?

An expatriate friend recently shared that she had witnessed a domestic abuse case next door. It was evening, she was washing the dishes, and suddenly horrible screaming started. She could hear several women and kids yelling out of fear and she could also hear sounds like a whip lashing. Since it's a building site next door, where this was taking place, she could actually see two women huddled together. Unsurprisingly, my friend said the experience was highly disturbing. What do you do? When do you intervene? What's the best action to take, especially in a country that's not your own?

Their response was that her husband went out to find out into the street to see what was happening, and to ask other neighbors what should be done. There was already a small crowd gathered outside the building site gate and several people tried to peer in through slots in the gate. But, they said there was nothing more they could do. Except be curious with degrees of worry, peer in, wait. Apparently there was no reason to call the police since they wouldn't do anything anyway. And apparently it was 'the old way of domestic life,' i.e. wife and/or child beatings have been very common since it was the man's way of, literally, putting his foot down. And apparently these were 'poor country folk' who didn't know better. Hm. What would you have done in this situation? How would you have acted if it happened next door to you, in the West? How about in a foreign country?

This reminds me of our house hunting when we were moving to the Cambodian countryside ourselves. We'd found a potential house but before making enquiries we were quietly warned that there's a (domestically) abusive man in the next house over. They would have been the only neighbors on that street. We were told it 'might not be nice' to live next to that family 'but it could quiet down the beating.' So, would our presence have stopped the abuse since it would have been so shameful for this family to have their low points witnessed by a bunch of foreigners? I don't know. It could have literally quieted down the abuse, i.e. it would have continued but not that loudly. How do you stop abuse from the outside anyway? And what would you do if spine-chilling sounds like these started regularly - I for one would under no circumstances want my boys to hear that. What would it do to them? So, pick up your own bags and move? Or hope for the best and 'shame' abusers out silently?

One Way to Become a Parent

Of course I'd heard about donating eggs for fertilization but I never knew exactly what this meant in practice, i.e. how it actually happens. I came across a parenting blog where the mom had just donated and here's her account (free translation):

"Eleven opportunities

The morning began with 5 mg Diapam. A couple of tubes of blood were drawn for my arm for the freezing of the eggs. Pain killers straight into the vein. An operation lasting a few minutes, no pain. 11 eggs taken. Drowsy wakeup after pain meds. A cup of coffee, juice box, 2 crackers, 2 chocolate cookies. Meeting with doctor. In and out in a couple of hours. Someone to pick me up due to drowsiness. Sick leave for the rest of the day.

12 days of morning shots, 1 meeting with psychologist, 4 meetings with doctor, ,1 angiography, follow-up check up."

Interesting. Sounds physically tough and I've heard before that it can actually be quite painful as well. But, donating an egg, not to mention 11 eggs, can mean the beginning of a new life, a new family. 

I have to say, on a bit of a side note, that I admire women who take nesting into their own hands, and well wombs. Instead of waiting for Prince Charming to the extent of desperations as the years pass and candidates fail, instead of bitterly feeling the biological clock tick a tock too many, these women become parents of their own accord. When they are ready, they become mothers. Of course it's not that straight forward but simply put I admire women who've adopted a child or children on their own, or gotten fertilized whichever way. I know one woman who is moaning because of her empty nest - the nest is there but it's never yet been filled. I wonder if such a leap of faith would be her path - becoming a parent on her own?

ps. Pihalla Kotona may just become one of my favorite blogs... I found this entry so true as well! Hilarious :D

Mother's Day, Mother's Night

Happy Mother's Day all you moms out there! Really is true: best job in the world. Not the easiest, though ;) My Mother's Day was a Do It Yourself one with hubby still away (how long is a week anyway??). Last night I fell asleep planning all the nice options out there for spending this day. It brought a smile just thinking about what me and the boys could do as a special treat but at the same time I realized the 'fun' needed to balanced out with 'practicality' and hence I decided to continue thinking about this the following morning. Practicalities can easily dampen the mood a bit. Yes, it was time to call it a night when I started leaning towards the highlight of Mother's Day being a trip to the supermarket and back...! That's life in the suburbs alright when a trip downtown ends up being a grocery run. Well, I still wouldn't have it any other way and that was again literally brought home tonight when our next door neighbors popped in for a quick hello, evolving into dinner together. Especially while I've been single-parenting with hubby away traveling (Chengdu's panda reserve today, of all places!!), the rest of us have been getting the best out of suburban living. Fresh air every day. Peaceful strolls outside admiring beautiful butterflies, squished frogs, and fresh puddles. Morning splashes at the communal swimming pool. And most important of all, true neighborhood spirit! Now I know why many people strive for a 'village atmosphere' even in places like downtown Manhattan. It's not just knowing your neighbors, by face and perhaps even by name but actually knowing them. Seeing your kids play together every day. Being able to turn to them when you need someone to watch your kids for a bit. Someone who checks up on you when they know your baby's been sick. This past week two different neighbors brought over food, one of them full dinner - twice! Another mom and daughter dropped in for unscheduled playtime. So this is what people mean by the village raising kids together...!

Bedtime in Bali

So that was pretty much how Mother's Day was for me today: lots of cuddles, a couple of walks, some swimming, food shared with neighbors, phone call from panda-encountering husband, dishwashing at least 5 times, diaper changing countless times, some reprimands for deviant 3 year old's behavior, a thunder storm, cartoons, Donald Duck, skype call to my mom, blogging, drawn-out bedtime again, now gorgeous little boys sleeping. Never did make it to town, even to the supermarket. Never even made it to the shower, hence yucky greasy hair. But, it's 9:30 pm and this means Mother's Night! Nope, not going to get to do what some of my mom friends here did which was go out and get pampered together, sans kids. Massage and dinner. Jealous!! But not really. There's always time for that but these cuddly-baby moments really do go so incredibly quickly. My eldest is already 3.5 years and even baby is turning SIX MONTHS this week...!! No more newborn... So, the best mother's night for me is this: watching my boys sleep, now take that long overdue shower and actually wash this teenagy hair, watch a bit of tv, check out nice blogs (like mine ;) on the internet, munch on a bit of chocolate, relax, dream of nice things to do tomorrow...

Good night.

How to Get Kids to Sleep

Here's the easy way: provide enough activity, then refreshments, and a cozy place to lie down. I could join Baby anytime there! In this particular photo, the setup was a bit more luxurious than usual... 4 star resort on the beach, with an infinity pool there in the background ;) Usually, fun in the sun will be a sure nap-inducer, just remember to cover up or stay away from the hottest rays and stay hydrated.

Another interesting nap-inducing method is to jump in the angreng (hammock), which are incredibly popular here in Cambodia. Go anywhere out of town and in any scenic spot you'll find tens or even hundreds of hammocks, shaded by thatch roof huts, ready to be rented. 

Or then you can try the traditional, kids-are-looking-super-sleepy-this-will-be-easy-so-let's-minimize-the-effort-and-let-them-sleep-in-my-bed routine. Not necessarily recommended as it's not a sure way for  the Sandman to sprinkle sleeping sand, trust me on this. Recently I've been proud of having mastered this method to the extent that I've had both boys asleep BY 7:30 pm, on many nights even in a row! But. Today. It was only 5 pm and both kids looked beaten, they were so tired. Both had (very unfortunately) woken up at 6 am this morning, one was feverish, and the other just tired and maybe getting a cold himself. Anyway, I thought, what better than ignore the fact that it's still in fact afternoon and light outside and put the boys to bed now, sooner rather than later. So we did all the routines and all climbed in the master bed, all nice and pajamad-up. We did storytelling, singing lullabies with my hoarse/non-existent voice. We did #2 night snack. #3 night snack. Breastfeeding countless times. We watched a bit of American Idol because yours truly was getting a bit desperate by 7 pm with no sleepy boys no longer in sight. Bad idea since JLo's 'Dance' performance got Big Boy so excited he too started dancing his socks off! The most hilarious sight! He was actually pretty good, getting me to think he's got an eye for picking up choreography - maybe time to sign him up for dance classes just like his best buddy (a boy as well). Anyway, finally the boys fell asleep at 8:30 pm. At the same time, which was impressive but also a bit strange. What got them to finally fall asleep? A random big boy-selected Chinese pop concert! With subtitles in Chinese for home karaoke ops for those of us character literate (none of us though I can pick out a word here, word there). I have to admit it was nice and soothing! Should find out who this Chinese Idol was...

Bits and Bobs

Baby got his second tooth yesterday!

This week big boy has been proud of himself for having learned to say 'kettu' (fox) instead of the old twisted-toddler-tongue 'tekku.'

The way I communicate with my husband while he's traveling abroad is a bit complicated. I receive his text messages from Finland, China, or wherever, but since I'm unable send any to his Finnish mobile operator I have to send my messages to him first to my mom, in Finland, who then passes them on to wherever my husband is. Talk about possible censorship! ;)

How do you know when your kid has watched too many cartoons? When he asks if mosquitos can suck out bones along with blood. How do you know when you yourself have watched too many zombie movies or episodes of The Walking Dead? When you start to wonder the same... (Which is why I don't watch them, zombie movies, nutty cartoons, or eating mosquitos.)

I found this interesting blog written by a Helsinki-based mom of thirteen. In one entry she calculates that they spend more than 4800 euros a year on: milk. Thirteen kids drink a lot of milk, daily. I think it was like 10 liters a day... When I told this to our local nanny/helper her expression was worth a hundred, no wait - 4800 bucks ;)

I was going to end this blog here but I just have to point out I find an fascinating anthropological link here - I mention both blood and milk. Victor Turner wrote a classic ethnography on Ndembu symbolism, The Forest of Symbols (1967), in which he looks at liminality, the ritual passage from one socio-physical state to the next (e.g. birth, initiation, death), and how it is entwined with color symbolism (e.g. red for blood, white for milk)... So as random as my little anecdotes here may seem - just as I promised in my title, I may ramble but it's not that random!!

Good night.

Ndembu

Lazing about

The new head of Finland's Government Institute of Economic Research (Vatt), Juhana Vartiainen, has called home-parenting "lazing about" (velttoilu). He says, "all of us find it nice to be home but does this lovely lazing about need to be funded with taxpayers' money for as long as three years" (my translation). In Finland, parents are eligible for a child care benefit (kotihoidontuki) to look after child/-ren under the age of three. There's been a lot of debate about this benefit lately, whether it's too costly for society, whether it's even beneficial for small kids, whether it's actually negative or even detrimental to women's careers, etc. I myself have been on child care leave and withdrawn this benefit for about 9 months last year. The reason for us was primarily based on our belief that home care was the best care for our elder son at that age (2 to 2.5 years old) and in practice influenced by the fact that we lived in the countryside of one of the world's least developed countries where other childcare options were limited (nannies/au pairs hired elsewhere) or even non-existent (kindergartens). So for us it was the perfect choice, and, well, the only choice. We were thankful such a small but significant financial support system exists.

Mondulkiri scenes, Cambodia

What the Fuss is About

With hubby traveling for work again and two out of three of us home folks sick again, I haven't had much time to blog, google, or interneticate (my new term for communicating via the internet). As I haven't really done a broad search for this topic I'm about to present it's fair to say this topic has bluntly popped up in the news recently. Women's appearance. "What is the whole fuss about???", I want to shout out! Come on, is it headline news in this day and age that Hillary Clinton gave a public speech wearing only lipstick?! With her hair down?! Seriously. When did lipstick stand for no make-up anyway Instead of the newsworthy point being that she doesn't have to care about her appearance as much anymore since she already lost the last presidential race, why not simply point out the fact that she looks great at this given date and time. For a 64 year old. Woman. No, let me rephrase even that. Why isn't the point on what she actually had to say? Jeez. Now, if the focus has to be, for some bizarre reason, on her looks, why not just say that she looks good, as she does. For a person in her position, moreover. Think of Mr. President Clinton back in the not-so-good-old days when he metamorphosized into a gray-haired old man with sunken eyes. Not a good look for anyone, male or female.

Another body fuss article I found even more interesting. One of the Finnish daily tabloids put together a pictorial of "Brave mothers who reveal their bellies: My body after birth - see photos" (my translation). I have to admit these mom's, though only belly-full and faceless in the pictorial, are rather brave since 6 months after my latest birthing experience I'm still rather sensitive with my own belly. Of course this tabloid presents these tummies in a somewhat sensationalist manner, i.e. the point is to gawk at the horrid stretch marks ripped across wobbling gastro-cellulite. Not cool, I say. I'm a woman and mom with wobbles and ripples around my own bellybutton, with enough of both for my 3 year old to ask what was it I had instead of a bellybutton (since it's pretty much disappeared, lost its former shape) and whether the "cuts" on my hips hurt when they happened. So I'm the first to admit I could join in the semi-freak show, no problem. But, as a woman with baby-damage I both agree those women were brave and that some of those bellies were amazing - visibly untouched by all the belly squirming, believe it or not. Looking deeper into the issue though, again, what is the fuss all about? Is it yet again so newsworthy that most women do not gestate and pop out babies unscathed? Personally, having experienced two beautiful and non-traumatic births, I'm amazed that my body doesn't show more of what these two amazing but chunky 4kg+ baby boys rummaged in me. Physical healing is an awesome process. So what if I'm not going to sport that bikini this summer?! I wouldn't change these stretch marks for the world since they are signs of the best that's ever happened to me - well, not the stretching and tearing but why I stretched and tore, my irreplaceable boys. Sure, I'd love to have that toned flat-yet-muscular belly that I can see some mom's have been blessed to get back (I never had it in the first place!). But what does it say about our culture that post-pregnancy bellies still have shock value? Honestly, I think here we have a lot to learn from cultures where bellies are not shunned be they Western model-value or not. Think of India and how saris show off all kinds of tummies, in a beautiful way I might add. Well, I'm an anthropologist so it goes with the job to promote variable bellies and distant cultures ;)

More seriously, though, I find it a bit sad that the female body is still so socially repressed that AnnaLynne McCord's make-up free twitter face was the center of Hollywood Gossip. At least in this case the fuss had a good point.

Keeping Children Fed

The new State of the World's Mothers report has just come out. Apparently the best country in the world for mothers is... Norway. Unfortunately, the worst place is Niger. Finland came sixth for mothers and women but only 19th for children. Cambodia also ranked sixth for mother but for the least developed countries. Their women ranked third and children thirteenth.

I always knew breastfeeding is both wonderful and important but I didn't know that it could prevent a million child deaths each year... It is, in fact, the single most effective nutritional intervention for saving lives! In developing countries, breastfed babies have a 6 times better chance of survival than non-breastfed babies.

I didn't know that as many as 171 million children, a total of 27% of all children worldwide, are permanently stunted due to malnutrition. Cambodia is one of the thirty countries that have the worst rates of stuntedness, more than 40% of all children under 5. The direct global cost of malnutrition is c. USD 20-30 billion per year. Malnutrition causes more than 2.6 million child deaths per year. Horrific numbers. I don't know what else to write.

Breastfeeding combined with solid foods after 6 months of age would cut rates of stuntedness at 12 months by 20%...!

Cambodia is actually doing pretty well on this with 74% of mothers breastfeeding exclusively for the first 6 months (whereas in Finland only 50-60%). In fact, Cambodia is the world's 15th fastest country in the fight against child malnutrition.

More than 2 million mothers and babies could be saved each year by promoting and using the 'lifesaving six': iron folate, breastfeeding, complementary feeding, Vitamin A, zinc, and hygiene. This simple solution costs only USD 20 per child for the first 1000 days...! Yet more than half the world's children do not yet have access to this lifesaving package.

Simple Ways to Save Premies

I read an interesting report today on premature babies and their care. Did you know that  c. 15 million premature babies are born each year?

The sad news is that 1.1 million of these newborns die during or soon after birth and many of those who survive have serious disabilities. Although the majority of the world's premies are born in the Third World, half a million premies are born in the United States, more than eight times the rate than in the rest of the developed world. Why? I didn't know but nearly half of U.S. pregnancies are unplanned. Also uninsured American women may join prenatal care late or not at all, and women whose pregnancies are not monitored have statistically higher rates of preterm birth. Other issues increasing the risk of premature births worldwide are elective inductions and C-sections, a multiple pregnancy, pregnancy at a young or late age, being overweight or underweight, spacing pregnancies less than 2 years apart, smoking, diabetes, high blood pressure, and infections. One aspect I've noticed is that many Western women are very keen to give birth 'on time,' i.e. preferably on the expected date of delivery or, even better, before. If the due date is approaching and nothing seems to be happening, women resort, and are encouraged by other mothers young and old, to proactively try to induce labor themselves (e.g. walking, cleaning, sitting in the sauna, having sex, and even drinking castor oil). Or just sign up for an elective C-section beforehand (in Finland easier said than done, though)! I totally agree with March of Dimes epidemiologist Christopher Howson that 'a healthy baby is worth the wait'!!

Regarding premies the good news is that there are simple ways to save babies that are born too soon, i.e. before the 38th week of pregnancy (WHO definition). Whereas in the West extreme premies that are born before 28 weeks have an approximate 50/50 chance of survival, in the developing world "being born too soon is an unrecognized killer" (Joy Lawn, Save the Children). This research discovered that an African baby is more than 12 times more likely to die from prematurity than a European baby. What I did not know is that besides being the leading cause of death for newborns worldwide, prematurity is also the second-leading cause of death in children under 5. In his introductory statement, the United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon calls for action as 3/4 of premie deaths could be prevented by simple measures. Among these guidelines:

- providing USD1 steroid shots during preterm labor to hasten the development of immature fetal lungs (almost 400 000 babies a year could be saved this way!)

- teaching 'kangaroo care' through which babies are provided skin-to-skin contact with their mothers (even  babies weighing a mere 900 g have been reported to thrive from this method alone!)

- providing antibiotics and antiseptic cream to fight infections, e.g. of the umbilical cord

Coastal Cambodia

and why I haven't blogged for a week ;)

How magical is this view... off our balcony!

Views of Bokor mountain

Views from the Kep hillside out to the Gulf of Thailand

 Blooming tropics

 Sailing Club, Knai Bang Chat

Sunset 

My boys 

Crabby waters 

Morning swim at Knai Bang Chat, couldn't be better!

 Asian hospitality

These three nights away at the beach reminded me of one of the reasons why I'm here.

I find Cambodia stunning! 

And I love Asia.

I can't stay away!