Buying & Selling Motherhood

"Looking for baby-monitor." "Baby and pregnancy items." "Kids' inflatable pool." These are only a few examples of messages posted on a website suitably named "parent network" (it's a closed community so I won't attach the link here).

In the West, and among Western expats in the East, motherhood involves a lot of spending. Or so the advertisers want us to believe. Buying and selling 'mothering' is a big business worldwide and a growing one in this part of the globe. When we moved to Cambodia 2.5 years ago baby products were few and far between. Now there seems to be a baby boom with bonny boutiques sprouting like monsooned bamboo. Just today I noticed one of the few 'modern markets' (i.e. supermarkets) now shelves a whole aisle-full of diaper brands and specialized baby products from 'sneezer pumps' (for lack of knowledge of the real term) to chic little pajamas. Finally us Cambo-moms can be up-to-date with baby paraphernalia! Though I can't vouch we've got It-Brands on sale because I wouldn't know what they are...

Ironically, one of the main reasons I haven't opted, even with Baby Two, for the increasingly popular ecological solution of reusable diapers is that I found the amount of advertising daunting. The sheer number of brands and types and functions and fabric patterns overwhelmed me! Before investing in a still rather costly pack of flannel I wanted to be sure I was making an informed choice... unfortunately too much information delayed and, ultimately, deterred me from making that choice. More experienced moms stoked that fire of insecurity by sharing stories of the many wrong choices they'd made before finding The Perfect Diaper for their baby, i.e. not my baby since diaper preference is an individual preference (it seems). Here in Asia this diaper business is so much simpler. Most babies don't wear any! Most parents don't buy any! Especially here in the tropics the littlest ones go butt naked. But that's hard to commercialize...

Actually that leads me to think a leading diaper brand may be out to influence and change Cambodian childcare: for months on end they had a campaign in which you buy a stack of disposable diapers and you get a free t-shirt. Cambodian babies will go nude nor seminude no more.

This book that I came across discusses exactly these type of questions. How is motherhood affected by the economy and does motherhood affect the economy? How is mothering commercialized? To quote directly,

Ideologically, motherhood and consumption are often constructed in opposition to each other, with motherhood standing in as a naturalized social relation that is thought to be uniquely free of the calculating instrumentality that dominates commercial relations. Yet, in social life, motherhood and consumption are inseparable. Whether shopping for children's clothing or childbirth services, or making decisions about adopting children, becoming a mother (and maternal practice more generally) is deeply influenced by consumption.

Especially in the West, consumption is no longer a question of survival or sustenance but of choices we now choose, and afford, to make. It's about lifestyle, about what we want to convey symbolically to the community and society around us, and about dreams and aspirations. It's also a vehicle of influence, formed of informed, forming, unaware and even misled choices that we make each and every day.

So admission time. Yes, we buy environmentally nasty disposable diapers and we prefer to buy either of two brands. Yes, we do have an inflatable pool which is has been deflated the past 9 months. Yes, we have a whole range of very Western consumerist baby and pregnancy items, including It Brands (or ones we imagined were It). But no, we don't have a baby monitor nor have we had one within the past 3+ years of parenting. That's where we deviate. As handy as I'm sure it is we've consciously decided to rely only on our own presence, senses of hearing and vision, to monitor our kids. Where they are, we are not far.

I tend to buy my children more clothes than they need. All the truly need is a t-shirt or two, to be honest. But, I can afford to do so and I enjoy the process (choosing, buying, dressing the boys). By providing my kids with new, clean clothes I also visibly convey and consciously wish to convey a message of positive and responsible parenting, of nurturing and loving mothering. At the same time, from time to time, my sensory system overloads from the avalanche of consumerist parenting ideas...

But now, I'm off to join my sleeping handsomes. Baby sponsored tonight by Cars, it appears. I'm opting for my good old red v-neck. Sometimes old is the new new.

Eating Rice Balls

Back to Parenting 101.

How to feed your kid?

I found this interesting interview of Dr. Chapin, Assistant Professor of Anthropology at the University of Maryland, where she tells of her experience parenting while doing fieldwork in Sri Lanka. The simple act of feeding your child can be interpreted in a variety ways depending on the cultural context. While she would encourage, urge, and, ultimately, bribe her child to finish eating his meal himself, Sri Lankan mothers would simply switch to feeding their child themselves over a longer period of time. They would keep on popping rice balls in the child's mouth until the plate was empty... be it 30 minutes or an hour later, be it in the dining room or the living room.

Chasing small kids with platefuls of food is common practice here in Cambodia as well. Every day I see nannies act as mobile feeders, chasing after their charges with bowls of rice and whatnot. 'Since toddlers tend to have notoriously short attention spans, it's better to let the wild little things do their thing and provide nutrition half-unnoticed,' seems to be the idea. The best example of this in practice has been a particular nanny-toddler combo where the nanny squirts rice porridge into the 2-year olds mouth. Equipment required for this method: syringe (those ones used for liquid oral meds - note, no needle!!), bowl of sloppy rice, a quick-squirting hand, and a wandering toddler. This squirting takes place everywhere and anywhere... inside, outside, you name it. From my observations I'd say the boy seems to be developing just fine. For parental sanity's sake, though, I think having a paid employee do this is key! As for myself, I don't chase and I haven't done much squirting beyond medical purposes but I have to admit I have now started providing my older son with breakfast in bed... so I can sleep while he eats, i.e. Sleep-Led Parenting ;)

Tiny Toes

Just Hangin'

Please refer back to my entry on baby dangling. Here's my baby before the first massage session. (Yes, I should also post the after photo!)

Ps. One thought my professor in anthropology managed to engrain in me: anthropologists never just hang around. Hence my rebellious choice for baby shirts ;)

Kupura's Current Ins&Outs

IN


movie: The Descendants - loved it! Clooney's great but so is the rest of the scenery and set design ;)
Polynesia - as again inspired by the above. Those lusciously green volcanoes next to the sparkling ocean
Saturday cafe breakfast - only challenge is to get out of the house in time
neighborhood - the shared willingness to make this street a positive space
Phnom Penh - don't get to go to town much but each time I do there are positive surprises, now a boulevard lined with beautiful flowers to mark this week's ASEAN meeting
rain showers - surprises of refreshing bliss after blazing hot days
wreckless drivers - ones that have never crashed are underrated
new friends - interesting conversations
blogging!



OUT


ticks - living near fields brings unwanted visitors
violent Saturday morning cartoons - where are the sweet wake-ups of my childhood?
movie: The Artist - high expectations but still not back in the DVD player
the hot season - keeps the kids indoors during the day since it's too hot out there
reckless drivers - enough said
relocation - too many friends have left and are leaving this year
positive reinforcement for dog training - not keen to start wearing a belt bag around my waist, for one!

Visual Explorations

Today's photography, check:

Finnish Baby Non-Dangling

While finally working through the baby massage manual I came across an interesting section on Nigerian baby massage. The concept is wholly new to me and I'll get down to some of the details in a moment but what really caught my eye was a paragraph on baby dangling..! Apparently Nigerian mothers are traditionally taught to stretch their little ones by actually dangling them in the air by one holding onto one limb at a time. You start with one arm, dangle dangle, then the other arm, dangle dangle, then you turn the baby upside down and dangle dangle twice again. This final stretching episode is finished off with tossing - and catching - the baby in the air. Must be quite a sight! I tried to google it but didn't find anything. Too bad. Let me know if you find a link! Gotta see this for myself.

Well, there's more to Nigerian massage than this monkey business and it sounds rather nice. They start by giving the baby a bath, then firmly pressing a warm towel all over the baby's body with special focus on such warm compressions to the head. They then vigorously yet carefully rub peanut or other local oil all over the baby's skin to warm up the muscles, work through any tension, and moisturize the skin. And then comes the monkey business!

Ps. Talking about monkey business we may do that tomorrow morning. No, no dangling for us Finns yet but we may head over to a playground with the same name ;)

Pps. If you want to read more on this and baby massage in general, I just found the whole of 'my' book online:

http://www.scribd.com/doc/47383063/DK-baby-Massage

Giggly Measures

Today baby and I got down to business. With him properly positioned on his blanket on the floor we began to baby massage our way through The Manual. The whole point of the exercise is for both parent and child to relax and bond but I have to admit that as much as we did bond it wasn't that zen yet. Keeping his interest up and his thoughts of milk down was a bit of a  challenge especially since I had to repeatedly refer back to the book on what to do next. If I were to draw a graph of the experience it would start with a gently upward sloping curve of interest, then a downward one, a surprising peak of excitement, and finally quite a steep downward spiral of hunger taking over. Though at first he didn't seem to fully get why I was massaging (read: poking) him with strange strokes, he quickly got the gist of things. Essentially massage meant getting lots of attention. Something that big brother also noticed..! (No, the big boy didn't want to be baby massaged.)  Since there were quite a few strokes and parts of the body to cover baby N's interest started to wane off but when we got to the final section of 'Stretches' he surprised me by bursting out in a fit of giggles! What a sweet episode - having this 4 month old chuckle and laugh! Okay, after that the hunger hit pretty big time and it nearly led to tears but all in all it was a good experience. Must try again tomorrow.

On Parenting

... which I must get back to in a moment but first a few comments to get today's thoughts rolling!

Firstly, one aspect of the whole parenting debate that is easily overlooked is that the current general Western expectation of the mother to be the primary caregiver for young children not only challenges her career development but also provides some unique opportunities not easily bestowed on men. How easy, or moreover hard, is it for men to temporarily divert from their career to devote time to something different, namely their children? Out of all the parents I know only two men have stayed at home with their child/children for a year while the mother went back to work. My husband and I have talked about this topic quite a bit since he too would like to get a chance to simply be with his two sons. Not just whiz by on hectic working days and tightly scheduled and/or quickly passing weekends and holidays. But to actually devote his presence to the boys he's been given. I feel that as a mother and a wife I can't deny his right to full-time fatherhood as much as I value my own full-time motherhood. We think we've come up with a solution now, one that combines both of our parenting aspirations with a realistic setup and, most important, should work best from the boys' point of view.

Secondly, one thought that I find somewhat disconcerting is how parenting styles change over time. Parenting models certainly differ between cultures but within a single culture our habits are also in a constant state of flux, changing over time. I happened to read Eric 'Flying Scotsman' Liddell's biography the other day and it got me thinking how different parenting was back in the early 20th century. His Scottish missionary parents left him in London when he was only 5 years old... and only returned many years later. I find that shocking, especially since he and his brother were placed in boarding school and not with relatives. But, at the same time it has to be taken into consideration that this parenting 'solution' was fairly common at the time and definitely socially accepted since the boarding school was endorsed by their mission organization. And these parents need to be given some credit since it seems their kids turned out alright. Ultimately, though, this example of parenting trends leads me to wonder which we'll leave behind in the next 20 or 50 years. Will our kids as adults look back to their childhoods and wonder why their parents were silly enough to make the choices we are in the midst of making? Probably, to some extent. Especially living abroad with small kids I wonder if that - living on the other side of the world, away from their supposed roots - is something they'll be puzzled about later. Or maybe something else. Well, we try our best.

Thirdly, one parenting model that I see all around me here in Phnom Penh is 'nannyhood.' It is extremely common for especially middle to upper class families to employ at least one nanny, perhaps even two or three. Usually these girls who help out (and usually they are girls though older women do the job too) are from either poorer city-based families or from poor families out in the countryside. And as a general observation, since my 'bonny baby' is just awaking, the point of this job is to Fuss. They are the kids' shadow, feeding the kids at every step and making sure there's not a solitary moment of, well, solitude or boredom. Interesting....

Now to feed my small one!

Calling It a Day

Thought I should report back as soon as possible and not let those interests fade while the sparks are flying. Not feeling that creative anymore at this hour - it's nearly 10 pm and my-oh-my that's late for parents of wee ones ;)

So, down to business.

First things first. I honestly did change that diaper in the end. A several more later. Done. Check.

Anthropology of mothering. Yes, did google it. Rediscovered an interesting anthro-blog, Savage Minds, but will have to go to that later. I did quickly read a first article on the subject at hand and as I had imagined there are reports of very different parenting models out there. In some cultures, and here please allow me a LOT of leash as no references follow, women who 'produce' the child actually hand over the baby to the/a man who will then raise the child. Actually this leads me to something a bit less fuzzy sounding. An interesting example of parenting solutions is a Chinese one that I too have seen - grandparents raising their grandchildren. It's actually a common solution and socially accepted. Adults who have themselves been raised by their grandparents place their own (one!) child in the care of their parents while they work, and work hard. Often parents live very far from their children, even or especially abroad. It's not like parents hand over kids to grannies next door so they have more time for themselves. Usually there's a financial 'sacrifice' involved, working for the greater good or at least for the benefit of one's (extended) family. Interesting stuff!!

Hm, next task. Photography. I did manage to snap some photos, I did indeed. Unfortunately I still didn't fulfill the task given by my Facebook-based photo course... I did get the 'shoot profiles' bit right but not the 'with a nice and suitable background.' Same ol' mumbo jumbo in the background: odd sofa angles, toys in disarray, nose of dog, etc.

Still did not open baby massage book while holding baby BUT realized I have been massaging my baby boys already! That's how the older fell asleep... mommy gently rubbing his feet. He actually gave me directions for what kind of pressure and movement he wanted! See, I need no manual!

Church group. Yes, I did mention/advertise it to two people, one of whom is already said she'll attend. Hm... must amp this up.

The nakkikastike (in Khmer it might be 'samlaw hotdog,' btw) turned out pretty good today. Got some good feedback. Went down like hot lightning.

The Economist still needs convincing.

And the hubby reminded me I already had an idea for that luxury thingy. I had already requested an iPad as compensation on the night the now (in-)famous trip was booked. It's still a good idea but I still need some more 'feminine' pampering besides new technology. I want... a massage at a spa. A trip to the chocolatier. And something else. So still open to ideas for the last bit!

As for crime psychiatry, which I apparently couldn't even spell..., I did watch a short interview of the same dude.

Progress. It's sweet.

Over and out.

Things of Interest... before changing diapers

Okay, the little one needs to be changed (looming number two in the thankfully disposable diaper) but here is a short list of things that interest me and topics I will hopefully sit down to write about at a less messy time...

The anthropology of mothering. This is something I really want to look into. Actually, the anthropology of parenting to be specific. How do parenting roles appear in different cultures? What principles govern raising kids in different parts of the world?

Photography. Learning the theory behind getting better shots and, um, getting better shots! And figuring out how to clasp the loose battery lid back onto our forlorn camera...

Baby massage. I've got the manual, I just need to do it.

Starting a discussion and prayer group via our church. Lots of plans for it and looks like we're set to start in two weeks.

I know, this is pretty pathetic but I want to master the good old Finnish nakkikastike (sausage sauce)! I mean if I can't even get this right then what kind of a home chef am I... I can make macaroons but not a brown sauce. Clearly I need to work on this. Clearly I need to master this. After all I'm raising two Finnish boys who have to be able to gobble this if not at home then at least later at school.

I'm also interested in why I should read the Economist, or not read it. I'll have to think about this one.

I'm still thinking about that luxury-I-deserve issue.

I just read a fascinating interview of a prison psychiatrist. I want to read a bit more about that world as well... crazy as it sounds I once thought that would be an interesting job to do, for me of all people. I know, not a good idea... I of all people would be the first to think I'd be the last for the job, ha haa! My youth career aspirations: either a designer or a criminal psychiatrist. Veeeery interesting.

Okay, that diaper is long overdue. Gotta get grounded.

The Human Connection

This is pretty much my life right now. And right now I wouldn't have it any other way. Human connection, physical closeness to another person 24/7, being grabbed by tiny fingers (like right now!) preventing me from typing with two hands (which I can still do!). Like last night, after breast feeding my 4 month old son to sleep having my 3 year old son fall asleep in my arms, figuratively, on my legs, literally. Add to that the physical closeness of an oversized golden retriever 'puppy' or what do they call up-to-no-good 25 kg balls of fur? Sometimes there's just so much drool from all of the above and so much shared tropical sweating that moments of aloneness seem like quite a luxury... by definition rare and valued. Another luxury which I can't afford, or even if I could I wouldn't want to, is being apart from these tiny beings of joy. As my often-much-better half booked a diving trip to a neighboring 'paradise' with his also married and soon to-be-father friend, the thought came to me... how and when would I treat myself to something luxurious? What is it that I want? What do I dream about, or what could I start to dream about? (The why we need a bit of luxury is I think a no-brainer... fixing this state of sleep deprivation is one key answer.)

Well, I'm still thinking about what I would like since it has to be achievable and realistic. I would love to go visit my family and friends back at home sooner than the 12 months it looks like it's going to be. I would love to visit Berlin with my sons but it's a bit too far and expensive to manage from where we now are. So I don't know... I'm still working on this one. Ideas? In the meantime, though, I can connect with the same people through this blog maybe. Escaping to the adult intellectual world and having a bit of a blogging breather seem like a luxury I can afford. So I start here ;)

Preventing Personal Brain Drain

So, inspired by my dearest friend K I have started a blog. Again. Why? Because pretty much everything my friend does I find interesting and inspiring... and worth repeating ;) And because I enjoyed maintaining a blog and would still enjoy doing so. However it's time to start anew, turn over a fresh sheet of digital 'paper,' and start a new blog. My old one simply outgrew the concept and my current needs/desires/plans have changed somewhat. The oldie focused on my work, family, and way of life in a very public way, i.e. the fact that this blog existed was advertised to some degree. However, I am now a full-time mom of two meaning I don't currently work and my adventures are on the limited side. What to report in such a public way, to a previously job-centered audience? That today I changed 8 diapers instead of the usual 10? That the playground wasn't as hot today at 9 am as it usually is at this time of the year? That the dog ate the note a friend had sent over? After my son had torn it to shreds..? You get the point. It's interesting stuff, I assure you, but only to certain degree. And to a certain audience.

So the new concept? The idea - as driven from friend-founded inspiration - is to keep myself writing. And thinking. About other things besides nappy rash prevention, as important as that is. To write since I think and therefore I am. Since to be honest suburban life could get a bit monotonous and I do not aspire to become one of those desperate housewifes. Instead, my dream is to be a grounded but creative and encouraging mom. An intellectually alive wife. An up-to-date anthropologist. A Christian with a vibrant soul. And a responsive friend.

So here's the first one to you my dear friend K!